Friday, November 22, 2013

PSA: I am a slut and here's 24 reasons why

Tuthmosis, a blogger on Return of Kings wrote a very enlightening article on how to identify sluts and whelp, turns out I am guilty as charged. Now let's forget for a moment that I am abstinent and look at the reasons this wonderful man gives!

1. Has tattoos. Tuthmosis says that visible tattoos increase the slut factor, plus the amount of detail, but since I have this lovely reminder to be true to myself on my ribs makes me slut material. Oh no!

2. Piercings not on ears. Apparently all the pureness that women contain resides in our earlobes, because according to dear Tuthmosis we start becoming sluts the further away from our earlobe body modification takes place. Whelp, I struck out again because I got my lip and helix pierced!

3. Slut resting face. Nailed it.

4. Potty mouth. Saying the words "fuck", "pussy", and "cock" outside of the bedroom is typical slut, apparently. I guess I'm a permanent rider of the slut train every time I road rage. Whoops!

5. Not ticklish.  This is my saving grace, since I pretty much just pee my pants if anyone so much wiggles their fingers at me.

6. Talking about recreational drugs. If talking about how much I hate the smell of pot counts, or discussing episodes of Breaking Bad then I am guilty yet again. Darn it!

7. Large Breasts.  Can we have a moment of silence for my boyish figure, please? Thank you lack of boobies for saving me from further slutiness!

8. Showing a lot of skin in warm weather. I guess I am a major slut since I pretty much show a lot of skin in the winter too. I'm sorry I'm not sorry for showing my arms and collar bones so much everyone!

9. Excessive body hair. Lucky me, I'm smooth like a baby! Whew!

10. Associates with confirmed sluts. Guilty again! As you continue reading this post you will understand why my best friend's Molly McIsaacVorel DarastrixPeabody Tailoring, and Dragon Slipper Tailoring are sluts just like me.

11. Experiments sexually with own gender. So, apparently ladies, if we have so much as checked out another woman and thought she was attractive we are sluts, says Tuthmosis. As a pansexual cisgender female I am very much a slut then.

12. Sorority sister. I'm an honor student. Does that count?

13. Traveled to "sexy places". If you can call other states in the US and Canada sexy then I am a traveling slut, yes.

14. Former cheerleader. Does hanging out with them count? Oh wait, number 10. So, yes! Guilty by association.

15. Goes to a known party college. AAU is SUCH a party school, look at all these misunderstood, chain smoking artists!

16. Lost her virginity at 15 or younger. Real talk: If being sexually abused counts, then holy shit, I've been a slut since I was 5! Gasp! The scandal!

17. Likes Tequila and recreational drugs. Tequila tastes like soap. 'Nuff said.

18. Is friends with pseudo-celebs. Did I mention that one of my best friend's is Molly McIsaac?

19. Is an artist or wannabe model. Wheeeeeeelppp


20. Talks about sex before a man does in a first date setting. I guess I'm a slut 50/50 on this one. I am first to ask, but I am abstinent soooo...

21. Has daddy/parent issues. I'm a slut! Along with ever teenager, neglected and abused child in the world! Yay team!

22. Defines herself as or uses feminist jargon. Tuthmosis says I am a slut because I use the word "pansexual" to describe my complicated sexuality. Thank you so much for pointing the out to me!

23. Maintains a tan. As a Native American, I have a natural tan that maintains itself. Slut by default baby, whoo!!

24. Hair dyed a unnatural color. Practicing self expression makes you a slut, ladies! Remember that! if you don't want to be a slut like me, be a conformist :D


What an enlightening journey! This whole time I thought I was just a cute introvert that practiced self expression when this whole time I was actually a slut. Who knew that you could be sexually promiscuous WITHOUT ACTUALLY HAVING SEX. Bless you, Tuthmosis. Please continue to practice protected sex because the world only needs one of you.

/drops mic ☆彡